Month: May 2020

Ok ok let’s be honest, we all struggle with relationships because love is one of the most confusing, strong, weirdest but also most amazing  emotion we have in my opinion!

Now I by no means want to talk about relationships (trust me if you hear about mine you would know I’m not an expert ;)). However, I can tell you a bit from my own experience (with the help of  some  valuable research) and what it is like to be In a relationship and have autism.  

I remember when I was researching for an extended essay on autism, I  listened to  a  podcast. One of the speakers said that  she would imitate her peers in order to seem ‘normal’ , before she found out she was diagnosed with autism. When I first heard this I thought that imitation was just an autism thing, but don’t we all at one point or another copy what others are doing just to fit in?  I’m definitely guilty of thinking that, because to me, relationships were like a fairytale! Watching rom com after rom com, and enjoying Disney movie marathons as a child (and to this day but we don’t talk about that :)). Love became like this perfect ideal reward that is where our life begins but it’s NOT!

   On the other hand, you may find that relationships are more like a necessity, because   everyone around you is in a relationship. Therefore, you may feel that you need to copy everyone  and be in a  relationship  just to fit in or feel less lonely. 

 AND I SOOO GET YOU!

I’ve always felt that if I was in a relationship, people wouldn’t notice my autism, and maybe i could even persuade myself that I wasn’t autistic. Of course, this was before I understood what an amazing and beautiful thing autism is and I know now that when i do enter a committed relationship. Yes parts of it are going to be difficult, butI also know that I will be honest, say things how they are and NEVER EVER leave a conflict unresolved!

 Why?

Because people with autism tend to not have no  filter and so say it how it is! Which makes me proud to be autistic!

Anyways, sorry for the tangent! 

But just a little disclaimer, I by no means am trying to say that being in a relationship means that you are deeply insecure or trying to ‘fit in’, because without love. I wouldn’t be here today and neither would you! 

So if you are in a  good relationship autistic  or not,then I really truly am glad! But  one lesson that I’m sure you have learnt is that love is  not a fairytale. There are tough conversations, arguments that you choose to fight for or choose to let go of, let alone doing all this while you have autism and you don’t completely understand social interaction that well (Phew that was exhausting even to write let alone do)!

  As you can see…it’s tough and so here are a couple of tips to get you through it! 

1.Let the other person know you have autism: I know this has always been a difficult one for me, and to this day I struggle with it! But what we all got to remember is that being on the spectrum is apart of who we are! The good bits and the bad bits! And don’t you want your date/partner to know who you are? Thought so! and you never know,if they are kind caring people they may start researching autism to understand you more! And if they do, then they are really special!

2.Ask Questions: I know this may be difficult as you may be unsure what to ask or when is the best time to speak! But your date will really appreciate it, and although it’s great for them to learn about you! It’s equally important for you to learn about them, as then you can see if a future for you lies ahead. 

3.Dress well: I know I know, being in a par of tracksuits and an oversized jumper or your usual outfit everyday is really really comfortable, and everything else is second best! However it is important that the other person knows you care about them, and i know dressing may not be your way of showing it, it’s a start! I’m not saying you have to wear the most itchiest or tight out fit ever1 Just maybe take your usual look and glam it up a little bit, therefore you are comfortable and smart! 

4.Try not to get needy on the follow up: I know I  know, this is a difficult one! Because with autism we tend to have obsessive tendencies! So it can be easy to act clingy or overthink how the date went. I do this a lot with friends and not just relationships, so talk to your carer (the person who typically helps you with your autism) and ask them what to do! I know it’s difficult but you will thank me in the long run!

5.You know what’s coming…BE YOURSELF! In the past I found the more conscious I was of trying to seem normal the more anxious and less myself I became ! So please please, no matter how you feel about being on the spectrum. Even if you don’t fully accept how amazing and gorgeous you really are! Know that nobody criticises you as much as you do, and your partner should accept all of you, FLAWS AND ALL! And you should do the same!

If you have read my recent instagram posts or watched my live yesterday, you would know thatI am a big believer in the importance of self worth. 

 (Oh no, Phoebe please don’t make me cringe)

I know, I know, talk of self-worth, esteem and confidence can often lead to a lot of eye rolls (trust me I’ve been there).

Because let’e be honest…Whether you are  comparing yourself to others or you’ve had mean comments said about you, sometimes all you want to do is be sad and not get to the deeper root of your self-esteem and self-worth!

 P.S I’m not trying to undermine being sad because crying and reflecting on your emotions is a good thing, healthy even! However,  life has a tendency to throw us some nasty obstacles that can affect our self-worth and confidence. 

Making it so important that you build a foundation of self-worth, because you may not know this yet, but your worth is beyond what you could ever imagine!

(This is in quote marks so you understand how important it is :))

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So…how does this relate to autism?

Well,  as we know people on the spectrum  struggle with understanding the emotions of others as well as their own emotions 

 This makes  it difficult to grow their character, thus understand what their values  and worth is. 

Although this is  tough, and your self-esteem may take a hit, a good support system  can help you understand just how worthy you are! 

  For me this has always been my faith, because coming to understand myself as a daughter of Christ has been the biggest identity comfort of all!

Of course having an amazing family and group of friends helps that too 🙂

So, whoever in your life is the most trusted to answer the big questions on self-worth, please talk to them!

 Because let’e be honest, whether you are on the spectrum or not,  we all struggle with low self-worth at some point. Making  it important that we support and be kind to one another!

 However,it can be seriously hard to remember your self-worth and to be kind   after a rude comment is said , a bad break up, or watching your friends sell themselves short. 

(GOSH! Being an awesome person is so hard!…I know girl I know)

  But remember when someone isn’t nice, and you smile and walk away, who looks better?

 YOU DO!

Plus it shows just how worthy and amazing you are, which is why you should always show kindness even if it’s the last thing you want to do!

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed reading this more factual blog post, and remember that no matter what people have said about you. They don’t know what you have gone through to behave in a certain way, so be kind and be non-judgemental always :)!

Lots of love and kisses to you are,

PhoebeGrazia xoxo

We must accept finite disappointment but we must never lose infinite hope

MARTIN LUTHER KING

I get it. When reading blogs like mine, self-help books or a thousand positive quotes on Instagram. The minute life gets really tough is the minute all these positive things becomes the last thing you want to read.

Trust me I’ve been there!

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So why is it that when we are having a mental breakdown whether autism-related or not, do all our life lessons and self-development go out the window? WELL, It’s to do with something called perception vs reality (sorry for the lesson but bare with me! You will understand why in a second :)).

When our mindset is positive, we are working on a special interest or are in control of our situation, we see life through what I like to call the HAPPYLAND LENS! Leading you to walk with a spring in your step or feel at peace with the ‘me time’ you are having 😉

But then BOOM! Someone knocks on your door, you get a fright and there is now a big black pen mark right across your work. Or you are out in a public setting which you didn’t think would have this many people in, and now all you want to do is go home, work on your special interest, AND FOR EVERYONE TO GO AWAY!! (P.S Sorry mum for storming out of that family gathering, autism querk :))

As you can see, life doesn’t go to plan, and no matter how kind, generous and selfless you are, one thing can turn you into the exact thing you have tried so hard not to be!

So what can you do to fix this? Well… YOU REMEMBER THAT THIS IS YOUR PERCEPTION NOT YOUR REALITY. What I mean by this is that you are perceiving that everything is going wrong when in reality, your dad has just knocked on your door to tell you that your favourite dinner’s ready, and the public setting is just people gathered together to have fun!

Of course, I’m not saying this is easy! When you are on the verge of a mental breakdown, the last thing you would want to do is change your mindset!

So take a deep breath, tell yourself that it is ok to feel like this and that you are doing REALLY WELL! Remember that you will be home soon with your special interest, your favourite snack and a T.V show in no time!

NOW YOU ARE READY TO CHANGE YOUR NEGATIVE PERCEPTION TO REALITY!

So…quick recap! Remember what is happening, what the situation is and that a change of routine, although is REALLY DIFFICULT! It is something you will get through because you are AmAIZINGGG (Started singing the MAIZING so I can emphasize that to you all!).

AND THAT’S THAT

BUT DON’T FORGET! It’s ok to slip up and this technique does not work sometimes if it is an EXCEPTIONALLY BAD DAY.

So give yourself some grace, but also apologize to those who you may have said some things that you regretted, as a result of you having a bad day 🙂

Let me know if you used this technique during the week and how you found it! Would love to hear from you!

Sending all my love to you all,

Kisses,

Pheebs xx

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Disclaimer: I’m a sucker for pretty filters so I hope these pictures are as aesthetically pleasing to you as they are to me 🙂

The truth is, yes these photos are bright and vibrant, and I am very lucky to experienced all these things. From going market shopping in Hong Kong or zip wiring in Queenstown New Zealand to admiring the beautiful view Sydney harbour bridge has to offer and having a surprised party thrown for me by my best friend and my mum.

I am so very truly blessed, but I could not have been this blessed if it wasn’t for the amazing people have had who have helped me along the way. To the friends who put up with me when I needed to cancel a plan last minute because I felt so anxious, and my family who were there to help me through the struggle. But in all that was my God, from the beginning to the end he listened to all my prayers, heard my cries for help and always gave me what I needed. Even if what I needed wasn’t what I wanted.

So to all you amazing readers out there, whether you are on the spectrum or not. Know that we are all on our own journey and experiences, and from struggling at school and having up to 3 panic attacks today to writing my own blog to helps others…Know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and by surrounding yourself with kind-hearted people, they will help you see that light xx